Sunday, June 17, 2012

This Man. Take Two.

I wrote this for my dad in 2009 for his birthday. I thought that being that today is Father's Day, it was a great post to "recycle" :)

This man. . .

He (with the help of my mother) gave me life.

He changed my diaper.

He watched me learn.

He watched me grow.

He watched me succeed.

He watched me fail.

He spent countless hours worrying about me and probably many more hours being frustrated with me.

He made me ice cream shakes when I was sick, scrambled eggs with salsa when I was hungry, wiped my tears when I sad.

He tickled me until it made me cry.

He sang songs to me.

He was there when I graduated from high school.

He was there when I got married.

He was there to welcome each of my five children, his grandchildren, with open arms.

He is a role model.

He loves me for me.

He is my dad.

Happy Father's Day,  Dad! May you have all the happiness you deserve and then some!

I love you!!!  Thanks for always being there.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Just Not the Same. . .

I just don't feel like myself when I don't write.  There is something so therapeutic about writing, at least for me.  It is a way to take all of the thoughts and feelings that I have and put them down where I can read them in black and white.  A place where I can examine the words and understand a little bit more about what they mean and how I feel.  

I have had a lot of changes in my life the last several months.  So what else is new, right?  But some of the changes have really made me stop and think about who I really am and what path my life is supposed to take.  Even at the age of 42, I still don't feel like I have life figured out.  Maybe I never will.

Over the past 6 months, I have had to learn how to be a full-time working mom again.  This transition has not been easy.  The guilt I have felt about not being here for my kids has been powerful.  Sometimes all consuming.  I feel like even though they are not little kids that I am still abandoning them in some way. I am no longer here when they come home.  I am no longer available for them during the day.  If they forget lunch money, oh well.  If they forgot their homework, too bad.  The worst part is knowing that my youngest is home every single day for several hours after school until someone else gets home.  I realize that he is not a baby, but I just hate that I am not here.  The other side to the guilt is the fact that even when I am here, I am so emotionally and physically drained that I am no good as their mother even when I am home.  I hate it.  I really need to find some kind of balance in my life.  I long for it.

It is kind of funny because I remember having such a struggle 19 years ago when I quit working to stay at home and raise my kids.  I REALLY struggled the first several months.  I had been working full time since I was 16 years old and to all of a sudden be a stay-at-home mom was a shock to my system.  There were times when I would sit and cry because I just wanted to get out of the house and have a break so bad I couldn't stand it.  There were months when I really wanted to go back to work.  After a while I settled in and realized that being home was where I wanted and more importantly needed to be.  I always figured I would go back to school at some point and start working again, but that seemed so far away.  Now here I am working again and wishing I could go back to staying home.  Why is it the grass always seems to be greener on the other side?

I am hoping that I will settle into a working routine again soon and that the guilt will subside.  I know we need the extra income and I know I have student loans that need to be paid off, so I will somehow make it work.  I think that it won't be so bad if I could just figure out how to work less hours each week.  Work has consumed my life to the point where I have no life besides my work.  It is all encompassing and I miss having a life outside of my job.  I have literally worked 6-7 days a week since August.  I am frustrated.  I am burned out.

The other part of the changes in my life is what I like to refer to as "family drama".  I won't mince words here:  family drama sucks!  Besides the fact that work is consuming me, I have had to deal with this roller coaster of emotions on the family drama train and I really need off the ride.  As horrible as it sounds, I just don't have it in me to play the games and to be sucked into the drama that has been created by a really stupid situation.  Life is too short to be in a constant state of upheaval and drama.  I just don't want any part of it.  I would rather wash my hands of the situation and move on then to play into the drama and the games.  It may sound harsh, but I just cannot continue to be hurt over and over again.  At some point enough is enough.  The lies have to stop.  The talking about each other behind each others backs needs to end.  Holding onto the past and bringing it up over and over needs to quit.  Oh, and by the way, just for the record, I am not the person I was at age 12, or 15, or even age 30.  None of you have gotten to know me in many, many years, so please do not make assumptions about who I am or what I may or may not feel or be thinking.  You really don't even know me, and you have chosen NOT to know the real me.  You know a person who you think I was many years ago, not the person I am today.

Whew!  That was a lot of unloading!  I guess that is what happens when you keep so much bottled up inside for such a long period of time.

I realize that everything I wrote is just for me.  It won't benefit anyone else, but boy does it feel good to let it out.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Hello? Anybody There?

Wow!  How is it even possible that I haven't uttered a single word on my blog since July?  There have been so many times that I wanted to write.  Honest!  I have had so many thoughts and feelings running through this brain of mine and sometimes the only way to get them out and to make sense of it all is to write it down.  It just seems that no matter how hard I tried to find a minute or two to write, I just didn't have the time.  Finishing up my ELED degree and starting a new job kind of kicked my butt the last few months.

2012 is here!  I can hardly believe it.  The whole holiday season went by and it never felt like the holiday season one bit.  I wish it had.  I miss the days of getting so excited to pull out the decorations, set up the tree, and wrap all of the gifts to put underneath it.  This year I didn't even want to set up a tree at all! In the end, my middle son made sure that the tree and a few decorations were put up.

Christmas was fun.  My kiddos were spoiled much more this year than in the past few.  Things financially have been so difficult for us since our horrible, horrible 2009-2010 experiences.  Honestly, I would just like to forget that those two years ever took place.  Unfortunately for us, we will have a constant reminder of those years while we continue to put the pieces back together.  Sigh.  Oh well, things are definitely looking up for 2012!

Highlights of 2011
  • I lost 36 lbs.  WAHOO!  Stress and watching what I eat played a large role in that.  In 2012, I want to lose 4 more pounds and start running again :)
  • No major surgeries or injuries to report from anyone in my household!  It's a MIRACLE!
  • I FINALLY, yes, FINALLY graduated with my Bachelors in Elementary Education with an ESL endorsement!!!  It seems surreal, but I did it!!! And, can I brag for just a minute?  I will be graduating with a 3.9 cumulative GPA.  It was a lot of hard work, but worth it.
  • I got my first teaching job.  I get to teach 25 fifth graders each and every weekday :)  Sometimes I think that they teach me more than I will ever teach them.
  • My hubby got a new job assignment that puts him home more.  Which is great because with the hours I am working right now, I could use all the help I can get around the house and with the kiddos!
  • My oldest son started college!  HOORAY!  I have been hoping for 2 years that he would start and he finally did!
  • We didn't move!  You would have to understand how many moves we have had over the years to know how fabulous that truly is!  It was so nice to stay put!  We will actually celebrate 2 years in our home in March.  Gotta love that!  If we can make it passed 3 years and 4 months here, that will be the longest I have EVER lived anywhere in my ENTIRE life!  Yes.  True.
Those are just a few of the highlights that I can think of.  I am sure that there are many, many more.  2011 was definitely an improvement over the two prior years and so here is hoping 2012 will be even better!!!

Watch for 2012 resolutions to be posted soon!  :)